11th October, 2016

The previous week was kind of very depressingly monotonous. I was demotivated almost throughout the whole week, I didn’t feel good, I didn’t perform well in a test I had on Sunday and I was just sad. I kept comparing myself to everyone else; comparing my failures to their successes because I’m a bloody buffoon. Last week, basically, wasn’t nice.

However, I did kind of find my element somewhere near the end of Sunday and Monday. I made a new week schedule and wrote down motivating quotes on post its and stuck them on the wall beside my bed where I can see them whenever possible. I also almost convinced myself to work hard, work smart and not worry about the outcome.

My Motivational Post-its

Which reminds me of how BLOODY SHIT SCARED I AM OF THE OUTCOME. I am so scared about my future, about getting into a good college that it consumes me with constant worry, tension and anxiety. Every time I’m not able to solve/answer a question, I start panicking and thinking that I will end up nowhere in life. Which is true, I probably will end up nowhere. The cut offs for Delhi University are at 96% for the course I want and only 5 (I think) people in my school got 95% above last year. Plus, that’s not even my goal. My goal is to crack the Medical Entrance Exam. Lakhs (hundreds of thousands) of people give that test and I’m supposed to get a rank in top 5000 to get the college I want. Hahahahaha.

Throughout last week, I kept wondering about what I would do if I were to actually not end up anywhere.

Honestly?

I thought I might jump off into oblivion. That would, honestly, be better than watching my parents’ disappointed faces and my own self doubt prove herself right yet again.

I know I should be working instead of writing and wasting my time. I know I should be studying. I know. But it’s so tough! I’ve been studying for the past 1 and a half year and I am starting to run out of breath. When will this marathon end? I’m not sure if I want to finish it anymore.

I hope I find some hope and motivation in the following weeks, as quickly as I can. I think I will. I indeed, will. I always do at the end. And even if I don’t, I will because I’m a fucking fighter.

Have an awesome day, you. Keep fighting.

Love,
Bhavika.