4th September, 2016
I’ve always thought that sharing your emotional baggage with someone is a sin because others have their own baggage to carry and for me to add on more load on them wouldn’t be fair, would it? So, I’ve normally kept it all inside me, thinking I’m some noble warrior who needs to be knighted for bearing all that pain by myself.
I mean, yes, I have not kept everything to myself. I’ve allowed myself to rant here and there a few times and I do allow myself to be vulnerable around my sister. But otherwise, all that pent up anger and frustration, like I said, is pent up. I’m full now. I don’t know how to vent it. It’s affecting everything I do. It’s consuming my life.
I try to let it out by writing, sometimes. But I’m not able to. It’s the hardest things for me to write down whatever is going on inside my head as it is with that lady with thin spectacle resting on her nose screaming ,”What the fuck, Bhavika? Quit talking about yourself all the time! Don’t you know people are starving out there on your own bloody street?! And here you are cribbing about how a friend ignored you for five whole minutes in school.”
And yes, I know how hypocritical it sounds. Most of the poems I write are shitty poems about my ‘social anxiety’ or ‘sadness’ or something equally stupid. And they are shitty, don’t tell me otherwise. And this is not a pity post. This is just me trying to get it all out.
Basically, the whole point of this letter is to convince myself that it’s okay if I want to talk about my emotions and feeling. Sometimes, it’s even good to let it out. People won’t hate me for it (hopefully) and it’ll also make me feel better.
But the thing is, if I share stuff with people I know, they give me shitty advice or they completely misunderstand me, leaving me feeling more pathetic and lonely.
So, yeah, I don’t know what to do about all this pent up anger and frustration. I’m just worried about it being lashed out on some innocent bystander.
And now this post has ended up becoming another good content less rant with disjointed paragraphs and whole lot of sentences starting from ‘I’s.
My English teachers won’t be proud. But then again, when are they?
So, I’ll end my unspoken monologue here and try not to hate myself for idiotically writing this at 2AM and posting it without editing it or better deleting it. Ahaha. I will so regret this.
I’m sorry world, if anyone’s listening (rather, reading).
I’ll try to write more letter when I’m feeling shit. Please bear with me.
(Who am I kidding, even I can’t bear me now)
Thanks a ton. For listening (rather, reading).