Current State Of Mind: AWFUL

‘I want to die. I really really want to die. Like really really really. I hate my life. I hate myself. I hate everything.’ 

This is what keeps going on in my head all the time. And you know what the worst part is? I’m not sure if it’s because I’m trying to seek sympathy subconsciously or the fact that I am actually, in fact, very depressed. 

I can’t work. Every time I sit down to study I have a panic attack so big that it generally (always) ends in a crying fit. 

I can’t concentrate. My mind keeps thinking of all the stuff I could do when I would finally be free from exams. I am making no progress. In fact, I am making the opposite of progress. 

With just 15 days left for the biggest exam of my effing life, I can’t say I am mentally or emotionally or even academically ready to give it. 

On top of it, my teacher and my parents keep reminding me every single day of all the ‘lives’ I could save were I to pass just this one test. Do I even want to save lives?? Hmm. Idk. 

I hate competition. From the very beginning I was taught to always strive to be perfect and I know I am far away from it. But this ‘competition’ has brought to light just how far away from perfection I am and I absolutely hate it. I know I can’t be perfect BUT YOU BET AS HELL THAT I WANT TO. 

*screams into a pillow because frustration and pent up anger* 

I am not ok. I hate this. I hate giving exams. I hate knowing how much I suck. 

I really don’t want to fail. 

I really want to make people proud of me. 

I really want to slap my father for socially conditioning me into thinking I could ever become a doctor. 

I hate myself. 

Ok bye. 

Love,

Bhavika. 

Digging Deep | An Experiment Of Sorts

Any body who knows me, knows that I’m a sucker for deep thoughts and meaningful conversations. And somehow, thankfully, I was able to find two such idiots to share this obsession with. Therefore, I thought of asking them some thought provoking questions, to see their reactions and understand them better. Because, obviously, I had nothing better to do. It was kind of like my own personal experiment and the two idiots were my lab rats.

Continue reading Digging Deep | An Experiment Of Sorts

25th September, 2016

I was listening to a song called ‘The Winter of Our Youth’ by Bastille. It’s a pretty decent song and it’s, I think, about how the writer is not able to grow out of his childhood. It’s about how the writer keeps thinking about the past and can’t let go of it no matter how old he gets. He keeps ‘peddling back’ to it, alone and drunk. He wants to grow up, but his nostalgia keeps him stuck to his past,  his days of youth.  Continue reading 25th September, 2016

Dear World,

4th September, 2016

I’ve always thought that sharing your emotional baggage with someone is a sin because others have their own baggage to carry and for me to add on more load on them wouldn’t be fair, would it? So, I’ve normally kept it all inside me, thinking I’m some noble warrior who needs to be knighted for bearing all that pain by myself.

Continue reading Dear World,

It begins, today.

Today, it begins.

We all have flaws but only some have the courage to acknowledge them. From this day, I don’t want to run from them. I want to embrace them and call them my own. I don’t want them to be my weaknesses, I want them to be my guide which helps make me a better person – I want to unearth them to show the perfection hungry world how imperfect I am and how perfectly happy I am with it. I am loud, I am ugly, I am not the most intelligent, I am not good at articulating words, I am rude, I am not good as others and I will never be good enough. There are 7 billion of us inhabiting this beautiful planet. There are billions who are probably better than I am in ways I can’t possibly imagine. There will always be someone who is prettier, smarter, funnier, nicer but it doesn’t matter. None of it matters, and that is what I want to acknowledge today. None of it matters when I am trying to be the best I can. None of it matters because my flaws are either inherited or learnt and the fact that I am trying to get rid of them makes me a better person.

 

Therefore, today, digging begins. I will dig out all my flaws, line them up and do them a makeover. Now, it might take me a lot of time to do that because I know I’ll get lazy at some point of time or I’ll get irritated or I’ll give up or I’ll die. I don’t know. But what I do know is that I’ll try and do what is right. I won’t let people blackmail me into changing into a puppet.

 

No.

 

I will stop caring what people think because, believe it or not, I am not trying to become a better person so that people start liking me – nuhuh – I am trying to become a better person because I want to. I want to start loving because there isn’t enough love in the world and maybe because I don’t want to be one of them who spreads negativity just because they think they can and just because they haven’t found someone to love them yet. Yes, I want to help children, help control climate change, save tigers, stop antarctica from melting, remove poverty, destroy patriarchy. But, I want to change myself first so that I can tell people, “Look, I love myself, I love this planet and I love everyone on it. So quit hating. Loving isn’t as hard as rocket science, you know.

 

And so, today, I promise to try. I promise to spread love and I promise to not procrastinate from doing so. Today, I begin the adventure of daring to believe that I can do something. Today, I start my honest perseverance towards my goal, my ambition and my ideal self.

 

Wish me luck?