Current State Of Mind: AWFUL

‘I want to die. I really really want to die. Like really really really. I hate my life. I hate myself. I hate everything.’ 

This is what keeps going on in my head all the time. And you know what the worst part is? I’m not sure if it’s because I’m trying to seek sympathy subconsciously or the fact that I am actually, in fact, very depressed. 

I can’t work. Every time I sit down to study I have a panic attack so big that it generally (always) ends in a crying fit. 

I can’t concentrate. My mind keeps thinking of all the stuff I could do when I would finally be free from exams. I am making no progress. In fact, I am making the opposite of progress. 

With just 15 days left for the biggest exam of my effing life, I can’t say I am mentally or emotionally or even academically ready to give it. 

On top of it, my teacher and my parents keep reminding me every single day of all the ‘lives’ I could save were I to pass just this one test. Do I even want to save lives?? Hmm. Idk. 

I hate competition. From the very beginning I was taught to always strive to be perfect and I know I am far away from it. But this ‘competition’ has brought to light just how far away from perfection I am and I absolutely hate it. I know I can’t be perfect BUT YOU BET AS HELL THAT I WANT TO. 

*screams into a pillow because frustration and pent up anger* 

I am not ok. I hate this. I hate giving exams. I hate knowing how much I suck. 

I really don’t want to fail. 

I really want to make people proud of me. 

I really want to slap my father for socially conditioning me into thinking I could ever become a doctor. 

I hate myself. 

Ok bye. 

Love,

Bhavika.