Current State Of Mind: AWFUL

‘I want to die. I really really want to die. Like really really really. I hate my life. I hate myself. I hate everything.’ 

This is what keeps going on in my head all the time. And you know what the worst part is? I’m not sure if it’s because I’m trying to seek sympathy subconsciously or the fact that I am actually, in fact, very depressed. 

I can’t work. Every time I sit down to study I have a panic attack so big that it generally (always) ends in a crying fit. 

I can’t concentrate. My mind keeps thinking of all the stuff I could do when I would finally be free from exams. I am making no progress. In fact, I am making the opposite of progress. 

With just 15 days left for the biggest exam of my effing life, I can’t say I am mentally or emotionally or even academically ready to give it. 

On top of it, my teacher and my parents keep reminding me every single day of all the ‘lives’ I could save were I to pass just this one test. Do I even want to save lives?? Hmm. Idk. 

I hate competition. From the very beginning I was taught to always strive to be perfect and I know I am far away from it. But this ‘competition’ has brought to light just how far away from perfection I am and I absolutely hate it. I know I can’t be perfect BUT YOU BET AS HELL THAT I WANT TO. 

*screams into a pillow because frustration and pent up anger* 

I am not ok. I hate this. I hate giving exams. I hate knowing how much I suck. 

I really don’t want to fail. 

I really want to make people proud of me. 

I really want to slap my father for socially conditioning me into thinking I could ever become a doctor. 

I hate myself. 

Ok bye. 

Love,

Bhavika. 

A Hefty Melody

A hefty melody is the one
Mixed with memories
And decorated with heart breaks.
It is a cocktail too heavy to consume
And too acidic to gulp down.
It burns your insides
Creating this ringing sound
So strong and so loud
That you trip over your own feet
And land straight on the shattered glass
Of your cocktail which at some point
You had dropped because of the ringing,
Oh so painful ringing.
Later, that same cocktail of rainbow colours
– Red, green, yellow, blue
Becomes white wine
– Critical, analytical
And less colourful
Yet you go back to the bar
Again after some time
And order the fates to bring you
The same colourful, revolting cocktail
You sip it, you clutch your head and you fall
You do it again, and again some more.
Because face it,
You’re addicted.

~~~

Do you too sometimes feel emotions come rushing back to you as soon as you listen to a song. Do you too attach memories and feeling and emotions to songs. Do you too feel that agonising pleasure every time you hear a sad song? Tell me about it, I would love to hear from you!

Personal Poetry Therapy

My nightmares are filled with whispers and laughter
Of every human being I’ve known till now
They are branded everywhere on my skin,
Reminding me again and again of what a coward I am.
Sometimes they are white noises,
But sometimes they are loudest than ever before
Forcing me to kneel and beg for forgiveness
Apologise for the wrong I hadn’t done
Feel sorry for a mistake I hadn’t committed
Like how the base feels through your skin
And makes its presence be felt
Just in a very, very, very agonising way.
It collects in you
The burden of their ugly laughter keeps collecting on your back
The chest pain starts accelerating
Pressure stars building up behind your eyes,
Your throat become sore and dry
Your insides wrinkle onto whatever air is left within you
Your muscles break with the tension of keeping your body upright
When you are just curling around whatever you have left in you
To ground you and hold you but you’re losing it
It’s building and building up inside you
And you are too afraid to let go
And then it is too late because when you hear
“Are you fine?”
Your insides burst into a million pieces
And get scattered around your vulnerably bare soul
Like the stars in the wide, infinite universe.
Like the stars in the wide infinite universe.