10th September, 2016
Since my last letter, I’ve been trying to keep my anger at bay and trying really hard to not think much about it. It worked for a few days. I felt calmer, more focused. But yesterday, it all came spiraling down. I got angry over a very petty thing regarding my mom. I wanted to be angry. I wanted to show my anger and make a tantrum and not talk to her till she apologized. I wanted her to know how mad, betrayed and ignored I felt. But I tried to calm myself down. It didn’t work. I thought,’Why should I keep quiet. I am angry, I should let it out. I should let the other person know how much they have hurt me’.
I was so caught up in this dilemma that it made me more angry at myself. And so, I relapsed back to my prison of red and fire. Until, I picked up the pillow and started punching it. Hard. Really hard. I punched and shoved and hit it so hard that it really scared the shit out of me. I previously, didn’t know I was actually capable of this kind of physical violence.
However, after I was done with hitting the wall with my pillow, I felt nice. I didn’t feel any of the brimming, about to burst in the face, volcano erupting, earth shaking, window shattering anger. I was more calm.
Honestly, I felt awesome! I was able to direct my anger towards something very harmless and not on a person very dear to me. That was a feat, right?
I’m not sure if this is the right way of managing anger or not, but it helped, so I’ll go with it. Instead of gulping it down and frustrating myself with unexpressed emotions, I’ll just let it out on the pillow. Besides, I think it can manage a blow or two.
Ah well, I feel so much better! Thanks for listening (rather, reading)! Do tell me how you’re feeling. I’ll write again soon sometime. Gotta study for my terms now.
Lots of love,